FIRSTIES

✦ ✶ FIND YOUR NAME TWINS ✶ ✦

The social network that connects you with COMPLETE STRANGERS based on ABSOLUTELY NOTHING except the random thing your parents decided to call you DECADES AGO. Why? WE DON'T KNOW EITHER.

!!!! DOWNLOAD NOW !!!!

VISITORS: 000000
(all equally confused)

/// BEHOLD THE PROCESS ///

HOW IT "WORKS"

📝

TYPE YOUR NAME

That thing your parents picked from a book or named you after their ex. Type it in. ONE input field. We spent $0 on this.

🤖

"ALGORITHM"

Our sophisticated technology (if string === string) matches you with everyone else. Revolutionary. Groundbreaking. Embarrassing.

🤷

THAT'S IT

There is no step 4. We're done here. You now see strangers with your name. The product is the confusion. The confusion is the product.

/// BEHOLD OUR FEATURES ///

WHAT YOU GET

📱

NAME FEED

Only see posts from your name twins. Sarah stays with Sarah. Mike stays with Mike. The segregation is random but we enforce it like law.

🌙

MASS GOODNIGHT

Say goodnight to ALL YOUR NAME TWINS AT ONCE. See how many Jennifers went to bed before you. This shouldn't be competitive but it IS.

⚔

TUG OF WAR

Team Emily vs Team David. Battle for name supremacy by... PULLING TO REFRESH. The prize is NOTHING. The glory is ETERNAL.

📸

FLASH CLASH

A rhythm game that RANDOMLY TURNS ON YOUR CAMERA. Tap to the beat while your face appears WITHOUT WARNING. Looking ugly? TOO BAD. The other Matts are WATCHING.

🔎

SECRET GAMES

There are MORE MINI GAMES hidden in this app. How do you find them? We're not telling. Shake your phone. Scream at it. Try things. SUFFER. Discovery is the reward.

📦

THIS BOX

This box exists PURELY for visual symmetry. There is no feature here. We needed a sixth box or the grid looked weird. You read it anyway. Cry harder, nerd.

/// REAL HUMANS SAID THIS ///

TESTIMONIALS

"I showed this to my therapist. She added an extra session per week. Not sure if that's a testimonial or a cry for help. Five stars."

- SARAH K. one of 847,000 sarahs // professional overthinker

"Is this the dumbest app I own? YES. Have I deleted it? YES. Did I reinstall it 47 minutes later? ALSO YES. I can't stop. Help me."

- MIKE T. certified mike // help him

"There are only 3 Bartholomews on this app. We have formed an unholy alliance. We are the BARTHOLOMEW TRIUMVIRATE. Fear us."

- BARTHOLOMEW R. supreme leader of the bartholomews

/// YOUR QUESTIONS, OUR CONFUSION ///

FAQ

WHY DOES THIS EXIST???? ✦

GREAT QUESTION!!!! Someone said "what if" and literally nobody stopped them. We should have stopped them. We didn't. Now 200,000 people are here and we're all confused together. Welcome to the chaos.

IS THIS A JOKE???? ✦

THE DOWNLOADS ARE REAL. THE APP STORES APPROVED US. THE FRIENDSHIPS PEOPLE HAVE MADE ARE SOMEHOW GENUINE. THE CONCEPT IS OBJECTIVELY RIDICULOUS. ALL OF THIS IS TRUE AT THE SAME TIME.

WHAT IF MY NAME IS UNIQUE???? ✦

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You get the world's most exclusive social network: JUST YOU, posting into the void, FOREVER. Think of it as a premium journaling experience that costs $0 and makes your family worry about you.

ISN'T THIS INCREDIBLY STUPID???? ✦

YES!!!! DOWNLOAD IT ANYWAY!!!!

JOIN THE CHAOS

Find your people. They're literally named the same thing as you. That's it. That's the whole pitch. We're as confused as you are.

!!!! DOWNLOAD FREE !!!!